11 Ways to Recognize a Covert Narcissist
Recognizing covert narcissism can be challenging, as it often hides beneath the surface, masked by subtle behavior. If you suspect that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist, whether in a current or past relationship, this article will help you identify key signs. In this video transcript, I’ll walk you through 11 ways to recognize a covert narcissist and understand the impact this hidden form of narcissism can have on your emotional well-being.
1. Intense Soulmate Connection
One of the first signs of a covert narcissist is an intense, fast-paced connection during the love-bombing phase. You might feel like this person is your soulmate—someone who understands you on a deeper level. They shower you with affection and make grand declarations of love, often saying “I love you” within weeks or even days of meeting. While it feels amazing at first, this intense connection is often a red flag that could lead to future emotional abuse.
If someone you just met seems overly eager to move the relationship forward quickly, it’s important to slow things down and watch for other signs.
2. A Subtle Feeling That Something is Off
During the love-bombing phase, everything may seem perfect on the surface, but you might get a gut feeling that something isn’t quite right. This could be a subtle reaction or a look in their eyes that feels off. Often, survivors of covert narcissistic relationships admit that they sensed something was wrong early on but ignored their instincts.
Trust your gut. If something feels off, take a step back and evaluate the relationship.
3. Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance occurs when someone’s actions don’t match their words, creating confusion and inner conflict. A covert narcissist may say one thing but do another, making you question what’s real. For example, they may tell you they love you but then act in ways that are hurtful or dismissive.
This disconnect between their actions and words can cause you to doubt your own perceptions, leading you to trust their version of reality rather than your instincts.
4. Intense Need to Win
Covert narcissists have an intense need to “win” in all situations, whether it’s a small argument or a larger disagreement. Unlike overt narcissists, they may not be as obvious in their need for control, but they will still twist conversations and situations to ensure they come out on top.
Even when they’re clearly in the wrong, they’ll find a way to justify their actions, leaving you frustrated and confused.
5. Justifying Bad Behavior
A covert narcissist will always find a way to justify their bad behavior. If they cheated in a previous relationship, they’ll have an excuse for why it wasn’t their fault. They may tell you they had no choice but to make a morally questionable decision.
If someone always has an explanation for their wrongdoings and never takes full responsibility, this is a strong indicator of covert narcissism.
6. You Feel Worse About Yourself
One of the clearest signs of emotional abuse from a covert narcissist is how you feel about yourself. In the beginning, you may feel amazing, but as the relationship progresses, subtle comments and behaviors will start to chip away at your self-esteem.
The covert narcissist will slowly devalue you, making you feel insecure and unsure of your worth. If you notice that you feel worse about yourself the longer you’re in the relationship, it’s time to reconsider.
7. Disproportionate Anger
Covert narcissists may react with disproportionate anger or rage in seemingly minor situations. You might say something harmless, but they’ll explode with anger, leaving you wondering what triggered such a strong reaction.
This behavior often stems from their deep-seated insecurities. If you unintentionally challenge their fragile ego, they may lash out in an attempt to protect their sense of self.
8. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a hallmark of narcissistic abuse, and covert narcissists are no exception. They will make you question your reality, often denying things you know to be true. For instance, if you confront them about cheating, they may accuse you of being paranoid or overly sensitive, turning the situation around so that you’re the one defending yourself.
Gaslighting is a powerful tool for keeping you under control, as it makes you doubt your perceptions and rely on the narcissist’s version of events.
9. Lack of Emotional Empathy
Covert narcissists lack emotional empathy, meaning they don’t truly feel other people’s emotions. They may understand how certain actions affect others intellectually, but they don’t feel the emotional impact themselves.
This lack of empathy will show up in moments when you need emotional support. Instead of comforting you, they might dismiss your feelings or act indifferent to your struggles. If someone consistently shows little concern for your emotions, it could be a sign of covert narcissism.
10. Black-and-White Thinking
Covert narcissists often see the world—and people—in black-and-white terms. You’re either perfect or you’re worthless. During an argument, they may say hurtful things that make you feel like they despise you, only to act loving again once the conflict is over.
This extreme thinking creates an emotional rollercoaster in relationships, leaving you confused about where you stand.
11. Insecurity When Apart
If you feel especially insecure whenever you’re not physically with the covert narcissist, it may be due to their lack of object constancy. Narcissists struggle to maintain emotional connections when their partner is not present, which can lead to feelings of abandonment or detachment.
This insecurity is often exacerbated when the narcissist is physically away, leading them to seek validation elsewhere or even engage in infidelity.
Conclusion: Recognizing a Covert Narcissist
Recognizing covert narcissism is difficult because the abuse is subtle and often hidden beneath a façade of charm or vulnerability. If you’ve experienced several of these signs in a relationship, it’s important to acknowledge the emotional abuse you’ve endured and take steps to protect yourself.
I’ve found that many people share similar experiences with covert narcissists. If this resonates with you, I encourage you to check out this video for more insights: 11 Ways to Recognize a Covert Narcissist.