Understanding Gaslighting: Types, Phases, and How to Respond
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation where you began to question what was real? I’m not talking about spiritual talks or abstract, cosmic connections. I’m referring to **gaslighting**—a form of manipulation that distorts reality and leaves you doubting yourself. In this article, we’ll break down the types of gaslighting, the phases victims often go through, and some of the common phrases gaslighters use. Stick around because at the end, I’ll share my top tip for dealing with gaslighting effectively.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where someone manipulates you into questioning your reality. This psychological tactic can make you feel as though you’re losing your grip on the truth, often leaving you feeling confused and insecure. While you may have heard the term before, there’s a lot of confusion surrounding what gaslighting truly is.
In short, gaslighting involves any attempt to make you doubt your perceptions, memories, or feelings. Gaslighters may convince you that your reactions are over-the-top, your memories are faulty, or that what you’re experiencing isn’t as bad as you think. The goal is simple: to gain control over you by distorting your sense of reality.
Two Types of Gaslighting
There are two main types of gaslighting: **unintentional gaslighting** and **malicious gaslighting**.
Unintentional Gaslighting
This type of gaslighting happens without malicious intent. The person doing it may not realize they are distorting your reality. A common example is a well-meaning parent trying to comfort a child. Imagine a child falls and scratches their knee. The parent, trying to calm them down, says, “It’s not that bad.” While the intention is good, the parent is unintentionally gaslighting the child by dismissing their feelings of pain.
Similarly, unintentional gaslighting can occur when someone dismisses your struggles. For example, you might be trying to learn something new, like skateboarding, and struggling with it. If someone says, “That’s the easy part,” it can leave you feeling inadequate, as if something is wrong with you for not getting it right away. This type of gaslighting often stems from a lack of awareness rather than malicious intent.
Malicious Gaslighting
Malicious gaslighting, on the other hand, is intentional and aimed at manipulation. The gaslighter knowingly distorts your reality to control you, making you question your sanity or perception. Emotional abusers often use this form of gaslighting to manipulate and dominate others. While the gaslighter may not label their behavior as “gaslighting,” they are aware of the power their manipulation gives them. In this case, the gaslighting is deliberate, and the person is actively trying to make you doubt yourself for their own benefit.
The Three Phases of Gaslighting
According to psychoanalyst Robin Stern, gaslighting tends to occur in three phases when dealing with someone emotionally abusive. These phases are **disbelief**, **defense**, and **depression**.
Phase 1: Disbelief
In the first phase, you start noticing small inconsistencies in the gaslighter’s behavior or words, but you brush them off. You may think, “They didn’t mean it that way,” or, “I must have misunderstood.” You’re still grounded in your reality, but you’re beginning to make excuses for the gaslighter’s behavior.
Phase 2: Defense
In the second phase, you start to lose your grip on your own reality. You find yourself defending your perception against the gaslighter’s manipulation. You might say things like, “But I saw you do that,” or “I remember exactly what happened.” At this point, you’re trying to use logic and reason to make sense of the situation, but the gaslighter keeps twisting the narrative, making you feel like you’re the one in the wrong.
Phase 3: Depression
By the third phase, the gaslighting has worn you down. You begin to question your sense of self, losing confidence in your ability to make decisions or trust your judgment. This phase is emotionally exhausting, leaving you feeling insecure, confused, and helpless.
It’s important to note that these phases can overlap. You might flip between disbelief and depression, or defense and disbelief, depending on the gaslighter’s behavior.
Common Gaslighting Phrases
If you’ve experienced gaslighting, these phrases will likely sound familiar. Gaslighters use these phrases to twist your reality and make you doubt yourself.
1. “You’re too sensitive.”
This is one of the most common phrases used by gaslighters. It’s designed to make you question your emotional responses. A gaslighter might say, “You always make a big deal out of nothing,” when in reality, what you’re reacting to is a legitimate issue—perhaps lying or cheating. The goal here is to make you feel as though your emotions are exaggerated or unwarranted.
2. “I never said that.”
Gaslighters love to deny what they’ve said or done, even when it’s something you’ve witnessed firsthand. They may say, “I don’t remember saying that,” or “You’re misremembering.” This selective memory creates doubt in your mind, making you question whether you can trust your own recollection of events.
3. “I’m not angry.”
Even when their anger is obvious, gaslighters will deny it. This tactic is especially confusing because it directly contradicts what you can clearly see. Over time, it can make you doubt your own ability to read emotions and situations accurately.
4. “It’s your fault.”
When gaslighters are caught in a lie or wrongdoing, they often turn the blame on you. They might say, “It’s your fault I did this,” or, “If you could handle things better, I wouldn’t have to lie.” This shifts responsibility away from the gaslighter and onto you, making you feel guilty for their actions.
5. “You’re broken.”
Gaslighters may tell you that you’re emotionally unstable or incapable of handling things. They’ll say things like, “You’re broken, but it’s not your fault,” or, “You can’t handle the truth.” This tactic is meant to erode your confidence and make you feel like you need them to keep your life together.
6. “No one else will ever love you.”
This phrase is designed to isolate you. By telling you that no one else will put up with you or love you, gaslighters make you feel dependent on them. This tactic keeps you tied to the abusive relationship out of fear.
7. “You’re being petty.”
Gaslighters often accuse their victims of overreacting to minor things, even when the issue is significant. By calling you petty, they dismiss your concerns and make you feel like you’re making a big deal out of nothing.
How to Respond to Gaslighting
So, what can you do when you realize you’re being gaslit? My top piece of advice is simple: **walk away**. When you’re dealing with a malicious gaslighter, no amount of arguing, reasoning, or explaining will change their behavior. They won’t admit to what they’re doing because their goal is control, not understanding. Walking away from the conversation is the best way to preserve your sense of self and avoid further emotional harm.
Conclusion: Trust Your Reality
If you recognize these gaslighting tactics in your relationships, start paying attention to patterns. Gaslighting can erode your sense of self-worth and security, making it essential to assess how important that relationship truly is. Remember, emotional abuse isn’t something you should tolerate. Walking away from a gaslighting situation is not about giving up; it’s about protecting your mental and emotional health.
If this article resonated with you and you want to learn more, I recently came across someone who had a similar experience. They shared some insightful tips on how to recognize and respond to gaslighting. You can watch the video here: GASLIGHTING TYPES, PHASES & PHRASES: Don’t Fall for these Gaslighting Tactics.